Well, I did it. Again. Impulsive two-drink Cassie SURELY feels sure of herself, I’ll give it that.
The short of it:
Guy who runs book club is cute. Thought that last time, was quite assured of it this time around too (last Sunday).
Deep down, on the level of myself I would NEVER acknowledge or admit to (like for real) – I purposely left super early so I would get there 30 minutes before it started, because I figured he would be there too, and then I saw the other person who was notoriously early last time wasn’t coming this time because she didn’t feel good. So I was like…well well, looks like I’ll have some one on one time.
Yeah, normal, sober me would neeeever admit to thoughts such as these. It’s unbecoming and desperate.
But I was right, I did get there when it was just he and I.
The conversation before and after other people got there was completely normal and the sort of thing people in a book club would converse about. But you see, I’d already started laying groundwork the Friday before. Because I had an in. I noticed that the group messaging app we all met on wasn’t sending notification emails about posts on the group’s page, and I found it weird no one was saying anything so close to the next meeting, so I messaged this guy, via the app. So he and I had already had a back and forth private social media messenger exchange before the Sunday meeting.
And, even though it was also true of the only other attractive young woman there, he definitely turned red many times while we were talking. It wasn’t a reaction from speaking to just anyone, as it didn’t happen with the other guys or the older women. Just Marie and I.
SO, then Sunday after the club meeting, I drove home feeling dejected. So much so I stopped and got McDonald’s. It did help, so fight me. Though I am sluggish from fast food. Just kidding, it’s from beer. Anyway.
Leaving the book club, it really, really, really reminded me of the dozens of weeks I would break from class, and be feeling such strong undercurrents of desire, and never being able to act on them. Strong flirting and suggestive-ness all throughout class, both with professors and other students, and ALWAYS nothing.
I mean, the fact that, after really yearning after this guy, I had an 8 month long fucking situation with Ryan was really a giant mind fuck. Like…it’s bad having such a fond fantasy come to life. Because guess what that does? It makes you have more. And want them to come true.
With this in mind, and being the kind of person that I am, Sunday evening I text book club guy via the app and am like “It was fun talking lit with you today, thanks for everything that you do with running the group.” Then he was like “Hey, same here. You’re welcome. I appreciate that” then I was like “You should let me take you out for a thank-you drink sometime.” Then he was like “Okay, I’d enjoy that.” Then I was like “Are you up to anything tonight?” Then he was like “Yeah, I have to finish a few things before work tomorrow. What’s your number?”
And like yeah, by this point, I thought things were good. I mean right? RIGHT? Am I crazy that at this exact point he seemed into it? Maybe I’m insane. I get that that is clearly almost an option.
So THEN, I send him my number, and he texts “Hey it’s me” I text “Hey” then he hits me with “So, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to take you up on your offer, but it’s much appreciated. I’ve really enjoyed governing the group and I’m glad discussions have been a success. Thanks for participating.”
WHAT THE HELL, man.
This is just like N. Well, only HE was way way worse because he flirted with me and led me on for weeks then backed out at the VERY last second for a plethora of enraging reasons. Book club guy didn’t do anything wrong. But I DO want to know one thing….why didn’t he reject me on the app? Why would he ask for my number, then be like yeah gross no thanks? That’s weird. That’s the only part I don’t get. If it’s to have my number for the next time he’s drunk and lonely at 2am…I guess. The rest of it assuredly makes sense. I get that no one who’s actually even remotely interested in someone would say what he said. My bad, I guess. I thought there was something there. Plus like I didn’t offer to fuck him or send him a tit picture, I asked him out for drink. I’m REALLY hoping that’s how my advance came off. But I suppose it also doesn’t matter, because either way I look like the humiliated prick.
So, now, do I quit book club? I mean I really enjoy it. It’s like class, in undergrad and grad school, but without any of the hugely horrible stressors. But also….embarassing…I don’t know, I have a month to ruminate on it.
But then, speaking of dudes who love to reject me. I sent N a beta-copy of my book right? I thought it was cool he was still willing to read it, since it’s a service and I so require that service. But then like…I randomly DM him and am like…oh I have a list of questions for whenever you’re done. He’s like “Oh I’ve been done since that [day weeks ago he DM’ed something]”. Like….WHY wouldn’t he have said something? Is my book honestly so shitty that he finished reading it and was like….let’s avoid her…..? Is this just N being N? My husband who decidedly dislikes N, because N made me so fucking upset last October (I’m sure you can tell I’m still a LITTLE perturbed about it. I demand my therapist explains this to me and he just stares at me in his knowing way), is sure that N is just insecure about how good it is. But that’s just how my husband is. He’s SO that husband who’s like “Well those people who are treating you badly are jealous of you and or want you sexually.” Which I believe that he believes. Don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying I don’t know how true that is.
So I was kind of upset about N just like…not giving enough of a fuck to even give me ending notes…like seriously….that’s a shit move when you WENT TO FUCKING GRADUATE SCHOOL TOGETHER. Like….we don’t like criticism and feedback? I guess I should have known. He refused to do instructor evaluations because he “might work with them again someday.”
And then, IDK, i just was on a roll with interacting with dudes who don’t think shit of me…and my mind turned to Doug. That is not his real name. But that’s how you know him, blog readers. The lengthy description of our brief stint is my most popular blog to date. I wish I could have a normal conversation with him and tell him I’m sorry for any of the times I acted insane or manipulative, and that I really have always genuinely liked him and thought well of him and that he deserves incredible happiness in life. But does that sound like a sentence that would come out of my mouth? Really now. BUT ALSO, I always felt like if he’d given us a shot, we could have been happy together. We were both quite damaged, in our own ways.
Speaking of, today I told Dave how when I was a kid I heard my dad threaten to kill my mom, my brother and I, then himself on at least three separate occasions, once while driving us home on longer road trip after being infuriated by the fact that his lazy ass didn’t want to drive but he also refused to let my mom drive because…idk crazy person reasons? Gender roles? Needing something to be angry about? Something.
Dave seemed pretty shocked when I said that.
And it got me thinking…about how I’ve been in therapy for close to a year now, and I RARELY talk about my childhood. Because I think…I think if I remove my present life from it entirely, I can erase it from my memory too. And it works, to an extent, but it’s still there, all those old scars, shaping your psyche, forming your behavior. Can I also blame all my substance abuse problems on this? Because I’m going to.
Anyway….so I was thinking about Doug, and about how he’d followed me on Instagram a little bit ago, and he’d liked three pictures I posted of a long weekend we went away to a lakeside cottage for our 5th anniversary, so he was clearly ON the app….so I DM’ed him on there and was like, hey wanna read my soon to be published book and tell me if it’s shit or not? He said of course and he’d be honored. Which is nice of him. He’s been nice since we were kids, i mean we met at 14, but I think that was part of the issue. Someone who isn’t directly horrible makes me think they must love me…because…obvious reasons.
So now Doug is reading CF1. N read it and didn’t bother to tell me he was done. I came onto book club guy and now I DEEPLY regret it.
That’s my week.
My life is weird.