Let’s start by saying if I had to rate my emotional pain for the past two weeks, I’d put it at 10/10. Not trying to exaggerate so much as trying to frame this for you.
So therapy was yesterday, and I’ve been having a really rough time of it lately. For one specific reason, stemming from a million reasons, with essentially two ways to choose to live the rest of my life. It’s hard. I don’t know what to do. I say that exact sentence about 80 times per session.
BUT, what’s funny, and by funny I mean disturbing and unsettling to learn, is that, NO MATTER WHAT I MIGHT DO WITH MY LIFE, I HAVE ONE THING I AM CERTAIN OF. I’m convinced I’m going to be lonely. No matter my choices, be they staying in the same situation or drastically altering many things…deep down I’m both and terrified (conscious) and certain (unconscious) that I will be alone, and lonely, and by myself. Dave tells me this is because it was hard-wired into my brain at a very young age and throughout my entire childhood that I’m going to be lonely, and on my own taking care of myself and other people (unless I shed myself of them, but the option is not replacement people, it’s no one…keep that in mind…because I seem ONLY capable of surrounding myself with people who DO or WILL contribute to the loneliness) and no one will be there for me or support me. And yes. FUCKING YES TO ALL OF THAT.
IT’S. ALL. SO. TRUE.
And it’s just like the body dysmorphia people with eating disorders have (maybe not all? but I feel like its a prereq) in the sense that NO MATTER what I’m told, what’s happening in my life, or what my generally decent logic is telling me, I’LL ALWAYS BELIEVE IT.
I came up with that last part on my own…so idk if it’s Dave certified.
I understand I seem to put a great deal too much stock in what my therapist thinks. But you MUST realize something…about how Dave is my FIRST functional male relationship? I’m aware it’s a client-professional situation, of course, BUT, if that professional is a therapist/counselor…it can certainly be said that you have a psychological relationship with them. I guess some people would balk at the word, but I feel it’s an accurate summation. I mean that’s the point. I DO feel privileged to get to go to a therapist, I’ve been going once a week for an entire year. I’ve missed maybe like six appointments max, for varying reasons, usually I’m busy. One time he was on vacation. And I know, I also shouldn’t be implying my relationship with my husband ISN’T functional. And like it is…and it isn’t. And I HATE that phrase, but it works here. I’d say it isn’t in the sense that we are stagnating in MANY different ways, like financially and career wise and with our current location, and then dealing with two years of trying to have a kid and not having one on top of that has really fucking sucked. It doesn’t help that i recently saw my friends from way back and all three of them have at least two children, and they live in houses they own (their husbands own) and their husbands make more money than them, and they all have really nice/impressive wedding rings, AND for that matter they all have functional, stable, NORMAL fucking family relations, like they SEE their mothers, CAN YOU IMAGINE? They have siblings who aren’t like..the DEFINITION of a pile. I USED to add, and they all have way newer cars than me, to that list but I got a new car for free (a 2007…but still, a really well kept one with 159,000 ish miles) so that’s no longer nagging at me. And I know some of that shit is shallow…some isn’t….some is…
But anyway. Major “break through” I guess, regarding my deep and unstoppable fear of loneliness.
Also I took all social media except Pinterest off of my phone. Because I realized that they only make me feel worse about myself. Not because other people seem happy, it just really feels like another avenue to be reminded how unpopular I am. I get it. Really. I GOT IT like two decades ago, easy.
So, I feel better off without it. I don’t miss the validation of social media because if you read my above paragraph you would see that I wasn’t getting that. So it’s like…fuck it….like with most things.
But, now I’m at an impasse, and I have to pick where to go. Don’t we always. I’d rather not be on social media. I didn’t delete Twitter, because I worked effing hard to get the followers that I have dammit, and I didn’t delete Instagram because that’s my only avenue of communication with Drew. I sent him a copy of CF1 for God’s sake. But I did take the apps off my phone. I just scroll Pinterest when I’m bored instead of Twitter. Also I don’t lose hours in the evening to social media. So that’s cool.
And that’s where that’s at. Sorry this post, like my life, has nothing neat or orderly happening within it.