Do you want to know? God knows I'm about to tell you.

Well, I’m officially a little over 30% finished with my 384th review of CF1. Considering I started this edit last weekend, that’s a decent rate of editing. This time my schtick is taking notes on my books in the SAME precise manner I would take notes on whatever original text(s) I was using for papers in college. It’s been fun. I might fill a whole legal pad. This is a bit, but only a bit, overboard from some of my better papers, the products of adderall-induced all nighters. Oh what fun. I was skinny as shit, too. But anyway.
One thing that’s REALLY helped with my spare time is ruining social media for myself. WordPress doesn’t count because I prefer to use this on my computer, wholly untrue for the other social media. I kept Pinterest, because I’m not giving up 2000 recipes at this point. I’d say I’ve used at least 15% of them, so yeah. A lot to go still. But I hate Twitter because it feels like a weird subterranean world where assholes and idiots reign supreme, and like I’ve said before, just another avenue for people not to like me. And do I really need an avenue to attempt to talk to N ever again? Do I? WE KNOW THE ANSWER. Anyway. SAME for Instagram. I still have the account, but I took the app off my phone. But let’s just say that on Black Friday I was a little buzzed and redownloaded it and DM’ed Drew asking if he’d read anything. He didn’t respond. Yet. He’s DEF been on the app since then…it freaking tells you. SO. IDK, possible I did something wrong there. AND, speaking of men ignoring me, I never got into details. I messaged a professor I’ve always adored from my undergrad school on Linked In, telling him he needed to watch the parody of Romeo and Juliet that Family Guy had recently put out. I thought it was hilarious. He responded that same day saying he would and was glad I told him and hoped I was doing well, you know a random, professional thank you. Then I was like ha yeah I’m good I’m self-publishing a book so it’s like I have a paper with no due date that I can’t stop editing. And he just…never….responded to that. SO. IDK. And of course today is the first book club I’m missing. I couldn’t finish the book. I am also miiiiildly embarrassed at my behavior (SHOCKING I KNOW). So. IDK.
So let’s count bitches, that’s Twitter, Instagram, Linked In, AND Meet Up being ruined for me because of four different dudes. DEAR GOD when you line it up like that. What IS wrong with me? I swear to you guys if you met me in real life you would be like “She seems chill and stable” it’s literally shocking how well I hide my crazy, unless I get REALLY distressed…then…then it just really freaks people out because they don’t expect it from me, and they’re like ah…this is the sort that shows up with a firearm. I’m not saying I think about doing that, at all, I think about rage quitting on my lunch break every once in awhile, but that’s the extent of it. I’m just saying I seem like one of those quiet psychos if you examine my behavior. But please note that psycho is being used incorrectly. Isn’t there some huge correlation because psychopathy and NOT liking drinking? Or being fucked up? I think it has something to do with the personas they use to get what they want from people, they can’t keep track of them if they’re drunk or some shit? Please, anyone who’s read East of Eden should be fucking understanding me.

East of Eden…funny…that book will always make me think of Ryan. He’d read it, and liked it, so I read it so we could talk about it, because for a long time that was the basis of what was going on between us. We spent much more time talking than we did anything else, trust me. But East of Eden also makes me think of my best friend because I read a huge portion of it on my way home from seeing her, a six hour train ride. For some reason I can’t read on my way TO see the city/her, but on the way home I do. This last summer I read Gone Girl. I know, I suppose you can say I downgraded, but I just finished The Third Man. I can see why this was written to be a film, but it’s still a good book. But I fucking love Graham Greene. I’d say he’s top two writers, and by that I mean that’s his tier, he’s not #2 on a list, because how could I ever pick a #1? Anyway.

So. I have a lot of time for writing, because there’s really no social media to distract me in my free time, which is fairly bountiful. I mean I work full time, duh, how much have I mentioned that, and there’s the basic time spent living life, and taking care of yourself, but other than that I’m all spare time. I go to therapy for an hour once a week, if you count the drive it’s a two and a half hour endeavor. That’s it. Of course I’m not going this week because for some reason they want the spouse present for urologist appointments to determine fertility. SO yeah, things are super fun on that front.

One could argue that my book is the one place in my life where I feel truly forward momentum. It’s true. I guess therapy is helping me. My husband claims it is. But he’s an overly optimistic guy. Until he’s not. But anyway

So things are moving forward with the book. Whenever I think that I’m moving too slowly, I think about where CF1 stood a year ago…or two years ago, and I’m suddenly not that worried if I’m not published by January 2020 because…I mean I’m in no hurry with it, but I don’t want to stagnate either.

So, yes, a holiday weekend just ended. Mine was good. I drove 45 minutes east to my sister in law’s on Thursday, we luckily had an excuse to dip out after about a 4 hour appearance, then on Friday we drove two hours due north to see friends of ours in our hometowns for the holiday. It was amazing seeing my best friend because who knows when I’ll see her again. I gave her her birthday gift (it’s September 21, I’d last seen her in August) and she gave me my Christmas gifts, which were all amazing. She gave me a 15 pound weighted blanket that I am now obsessed with, and a Poke ball shaped weed grinder, and a wooden elephant keychain from Africa (she went within the last year) and a sailor moon-ish keychain she found in Chile (she also went within the last year…girl loves to travel). What truly annoyed the shit out of me was her gifts got here in the mail YESTERDAY, aka the day after I saw her. I vaguely recall her saying something about not being able to come to Michigan for Christmas, so I was like…great, now I’ll give her this in April or some shit. But it was awesome getting to see her, even though I cut our hanging out time short, and she seemed only too ready to agree, because we both felt shitty and drunk and tired. Especially me. I actually napped for a bit in a Target parking lot, using my new weighted blanket, before driving about 30 minutes north and west to get to my husband at his friend’s house. I drove the whole way with the blanket on me too. It’s my new obsession. My husband already wants one for his birthday.

So my Thursday and Friday were good, then yesterday we slept in and hung out all day. My husband went to assistant teach a kids’ Tae Kwon Do class for a few hours then grabbed take out Chinese on the way home. I worked on my book, wrote a 7 page scene for the next one because I was so in the mood to write that scene, and did boring ass around the house stuff I won’t bother describing.

I hate going back to work after a long holiday weekend, amazing as they are. Because then you’re like…oh, everything is back to normal, except you’re going to be extra broke until the end of January…and the weather is only going to get worse and more depressing.

Well, one also one piece of good news, I gave my best friend a new copy of CF1. I gave her one in august but I’d printed it with the mark up area and that made the text super tiny, and she has reading issues due to eye fatigue as it is so that was pretty unintentionally cruel of me…SO I reprinted in the normal way, and she was amazed at the difference. So now I’m waiting on hearing if she’s done with it. I have no hope for any other beta readers. Well, there’s one, a chick my husband worked with who is an English major herself, she WAS reading it, she told people she knew from their work that it was good…so she must be done with it, right? He needs to reach out to her. But other than her, and my best friend, I have no hope anyone else will finish. Which is fine. This is EXACTLY why they say to get as many as you can, some won’t finish, or like some of my friends from back home, maybe they’ll be done in three years or something.

I’ve never needed encouragement, especially from men, but it is like..WOW, OH, OK, I GET IT, when it comes to how allllllll of them have reacted recently….so there’s that. I said it once and I’ll say it again, Dave the therapist is my only stable relationship with a guy. I mean my father in law is all right, and I like him and he’s a good guy who wants the best and does his best. But other than that. I mean things are relatively okay with my husband, the major issue there is the whole general stagnation of our entire lives for like…five years now. Like since we’ve been married not much has changed. Besides us getting older and still not having any kids.

Well. As I say in most emails to my mom, not much else is going on. I guess the major take away from this blog would be to realize that reducing distractions from your life is a good thing, but don’t do it in such a way that you distract yourself writing a blog about it. Right? Yeah.

~Cassie

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