What is it when you think about someone every day?
Because I have that with a lot of people.
I hate it when Dave says shit like “Boredom is just a manifestation of loneliness,” or “Neck pain is caused by repressed anger” because it’s yet again having to tell a white guy that he’s right. But he is. So I can’t help it.
I did all of the other housework so my husband is making dinner. A wise decision on my part, as I’m now done and he is not. But I’ve always been a get it the fuck done sort of person.
Today my husband was complaining that it’s hard to write on a laptop, and I just stared at him for a bit.
I’ve discussed it, with Dave, and I’m kind of quite literally at this point in my life where I need to decide where I want EVERY aspect of my life to go. Like, I’m 31, I’m really not all that tied down. I suppose it’s terrible I think of marriage like that, and what’s fucking stupid is my husband and I love each other, and want to be together, and there are STILL times when I’m like…how is this going to work out….about 13957 different things, that have happened, or I can see as they happen. It’s rough. I’m in no need of extra emotional damage, kthnx.
I suppose to someone Dave’s age, I do seem like I have my whole life in front of me. I don’t disagree. I guess what I want most is to work on my book, because that’s what I’m doing with ALL OF MY TIME.
When I saw my best friend last Friday, I told her my general life plan is to get this first book published, then really throw it all in with getting a different job. There’s ONE way my current means of employment reminds me of my degree work. ONE. And it’s this: it doesn’t really matter how you use Excel, and there are a huge number of ways to get it right, so it doesn’t really matter how you go about it, as long as you get the data and present it in a way that’s understandable to someone who doesn’t know how to filter a report. In English classes, it’s not quite what point you make, as long as you go about it in a manner your professor finds pleasing. So in this manner solely does my current job feel like what I went into MASSIVE DEBT for. But again, current job pays the bills. I guess. Sort of.
So that’s what’s up with me. Honestly retail working me of years ago would DESPISE someone for saying this, but going back the Monday after a long holiday weekend is always extra rough. I’m like oh no I’ve just gotten four days off…I can’t go back now.
What’s up with me. Like I have it figured out. I just know what I want to do most. Which is what I’m doing. Which is like unfair when you consider that not much else of my life is. Well it is and it isn’t. Dave and I discuss my ambivalence a lot.
The never-ending ebb and flow of hormones that I currently suffer from, now that I pass the 2 year mark on how long ago I gave up birth control, has me wondering. Is this the result of taking oral contraceptive for a decade and a half, or is this just HOW I am naturally? Because…it would’ve affected my life a great deal…had it been what was happening with me all those years. But anyway.
I’m still like…morally outraged that I’m being ignored. On TWO different fronts…on TWO different apps…by TWO different guys. BOTH about my book. This is a bit much. Either how pathetic I am isn’t at ALL apparent…or there’s something about me people don’t like and aren’t afraid of showing that they don’t like it or me. One of the two. Dave is no help with this, he just insists I tell him why I think people don’t like me, which makes me ODDLY emotional. Then he asks why I’m emotional and I’m like dear god will this session never end. Oh it’s truly not that shocking that I want an emotionally supportive daddy (NOT in the porn sense though there IS someone else at his office who dooooes fit that description…anyway…) in my life, is it?
Well, I spent the majority of my free time (ABUNDANT) thinking out one scene from YOU GUESSED IT CF2, which I literally can’t control myself from writing. I’m only 35% through my most recent edit of CF1, but here I am, writing a wintry sex scene for CF2 instead. It’s not my fault I must embrace the seasonal exigence of writing experienced offered to me by my glorious home state. There’s no controlling me. That why, before I realized ALL social media is the enemy, besides Pinterest and my complainy blog, I wanted to build a “Misbehaved” persona. Because I am. Not terrible, but def still up on that naughty list, you know? Like with all the weed smoking, and the raging drinking problem, and the extramarital sex that my husband is fine with, and the sexy book that isn’t erotica but has some EROTICA like moments, and the pole dancing, sort of stuff. But also like… who am I hurting, really? I don’t count.