Everyone gets lonely and does stupid things

And no, sorry, it’s not always scandalous, even where I’m concerned. But right now I’m writing a blog, which for me is my third closest attempt I can come to having a real conversation with someone (the 1st is an actual conversation with my husband, the 2nd is whatever the fuck you call what you have with a therapist, dialogue?). And my husband works 4:30-1, then goes to his gym until 3, then has…errands…for after that. So I’ll see him around 5 tonight. In the meantime I have a frightening amount of menial housework to complete for someone whose spending SO much time working on getting a book ready for SELF PUBLISHING DAY.
It was nice, this past Friday when I was mentally preparing for euthanizing a beloved pet (see intentionally make myself sad blog I posted yesterday in the early morning) it was also the day I got my map in the mail. So it was nice seeing such a wonderful drawing in person for the first time the same day of some HORRIBLE firsts. I’m buying it a frame ASAP. It’s funny my artist lives in the same state as me, about 70 miles away.

Now that I have the map…it’s all on me. The reality of the situation is I want to submit my manuscript for Copyright and publishing by January 31st. So like I’m DONE with my first book (at least the writing process) by then. So I have UNTIL then to be done with it… SO. I’m almost like 85% done with my long edit that involves note taking for the sake of having detailed notes with shit like foreshadowing and secrets I’m hinting at written down. I’m the sort who would like something like that. Then I’ll transcribe it into a Word document so I can CTRL+F my way into things I can’t quite remember where but know I’ve hinted at. IDK how other people do it.

So I want to finish this long edit then do one long hard power edit. Yeah I now see how that sounds, but I’m leaving it. And you want to know the real reason I’m SO intent on January 31st? Because I drunk impulse bought a night at an indoor water park resort about 2 hours south of us. I also booked a dinner at a fancy restaurant on the water about two miles away from the resort. We’ll have about 4 hours to spend in the water park (who needs more?) dinner at 8pm on Saturday, stay the night Saturday, could POTENTIALLY use water park again on Sunday, would have 2 hours before check out. Home by 2-3pm depending on if we stop on the way home for food. All of this is for the day after I want to be done, I’m giving to “my husband” as a like WOO HOO finally finished lets have a good time mid February like no one does ever, but before Valentine’s Day crowds and prices. I put it in quotes because he might not like this idea. Maybe i bought this more for me. IDK. It’s one night, he can tough it out if he DOES hate it. Plus the dinner is taking up a huge portion of the evening so it’s not just water park. This is pretty funny discussion for me to be having with myself, at 31. Let me tell you. Anyway. I think to surprise my husband with this. I’ve cryptically told him to get Feb. 2 off, but nothing more. He knows I’m prone to fun surprises, so asks nothing, as he enjoys them almost as much as I do devising them. It’s right in the word, you get to feel devious. Which I seem to SO enjoy. Plus I truly enjoy feeling like the Gift Giving Master when someone LOVES what you give them. Which is why I’m a little impatient for the next time I see my best friend. For other reasons too, but in most part because I got BOTH of her Christmas gifts in the mail the day after I saw her, and it’s TBD when that will happen next, possibly in April around her mother’s birthday like usual, but maybe not if it doesn’t coordinate with her work schedule. Which is by nature all over the place in every way. I feel like I mention that a lot. It’s not meant as a complaint. We all have adult lives.

But then I’m still so like…”lonely” as I put it, that I take a huge amount of prime writing time, Sunday morning before I’ve started the other things I MUST attend to, per living regular human life. Though I’ve got to say, it’s pretty apparent already which cat was responsible for about 90% of the mess in our house…poor guy. He would never have meant to upset anyway, he couldn’t help it. Sometimes you can break a cat of a bad habit by interferring with it. Like we constantly have our couch cushions wrapped in a vinyl tablecloth, a seasonally appropriate one, because then my oldest cat won’t pee on the couch. And he is straight up 100% not allowed in our bedroom, ever. That solves that issue. But they’re not like dogs. You can’t teach them to do something else in place of a bad behavior. At least mine aren’t conditioned like that. IDK maybe they’re slower, they’re all a specific breed, it’s possible there was inbreeding happening, it’s often the case with people who don’t know what they’re doing. Or perhaps I just spoil them and let them do as they please because I think it’s cute because they’re cats. IDK. Anyway. I really need to get to writing. I have until like 5 before my husband is home, but there’s a LITERAL mountain of laundry to be done, and a frightening amount of recycling and trash to haul because last Monday my husband was so distracted by leaving the house on time for his appointment (with a therapist) that he pulled the recycling bin from the curb BEFORE it had been emptied. It missed pick up. I was decidedly confused, and he didn’t really have an answer. I’m not surprised, having had over a decade to acquaint myself with his OCD and ADHD. So, there’s a weird amount of stuff to stuff into a container and take to the curb, and it’s like 10 degrees out. And I have about five minor “should take care of this” yard tasks before the weather takes an even greater toll on my Christmas lights. They’re unplugged, they’re just still out there.

Yeah I have matters like this occupying my attention to this extent and I’m also trying to publish a book.

It was really cute, last night when I was falling asleep for a slight before bed nap (I know..I was reading in bed, something I would only ever do on a weekend, and napped for a bit, then was awake for about an hour, then went to bed with my husband around midnight then got up at 8) I heard my husband on the phone with a friend and he was like “Cassie is publishing her book soon, so soon, so we’ll be millionaires soon.”
Okay let me first say that I do NOT think that. I’m not saying I’m trying to piss on my own work but like I KNOW how the self publishing game works, and how royalties trickle in…I’ve seen it all, but still, I’m trying. Like I want to be able to say I tried as hard as I could with this. I mean if everyone hates it and it fails miserably and I’m just horribly criticized as a person for the rest of my life…IDK it’s not like I did anything terrible on purpose, y’all. Then my husband is over here telling his friends about the millions of copies we’re going to sell. It’s cute, and I DO appreciate it, I guess….lol. No I do. Anyway.

I need to get to it in multiple ways. If you’re in a state like mine, stay unfrozen, my friend.

I’ll let y’all know how the surprise is received.


Trying not to be too sad, because it’s the last thing he would’ve wanted.

Felix in his…chubbiest prime…lol

It’s not exactly easy, after having lived with him for fourteen years, to just not have him here, but it was time. This is a first in my adult life. About four years ago I euthanized a pet rabbit after a different one had died at home, about eight years ago when I still lived up north we had a young cat die from complications of a falling incident but I’ve never done a scheduled cat death before. And I feel it’s rather fitting that I feel so odd without him here. It would be a million times worse if I didn’t have my other cats.

We put him down last night. The vet was great, per our request they sedated him before they even tried to put his catheter in. So he was like super stoned when he went out, which was nice, he was very calm. We brought him home. Honestly I didn’t want to pay to have him cremated with a ton of strangers or pay thru the nose to have him cremated privately, and this way we can bury him with our other cat…at some point. We could in no way drive his body up to the yard she is in today, we got hit with 8” snow last night.

So I’m sad and I’ll think about him forever and I’ll always miss Felix, the sweetest cat who ever lived. But I hope he’s comfortable and happy now, and I don’t think he could’ve been under any doubt as to how much we loved him.

I was 18 when I found him at the pound, this unbelievably sweet, nuzzly three month old Siamese. I have no idea of his earliest life, only that he wound up at midland animal control as a stray. But I do know that from that hot July day that I brought him home until last night, Felix was the sweetest, nicest, loudest cat who ever did live. He loved people, particularly the ladies, and despised other cats.

More than once when I was crying over things overworked 18-21 year old women who are slowly estranging from their family and trying to find a new one cry over and Felix and Oscar came to comfort me, I would say “Boys it looks like it’s just going to be us.”

Then I met my husband, and like eight years later Felix started liking him 😂 This is one of the many pictures we took of Felix’s last evening.

Remember to snuggle your kitties, or whatever pets 💗