Spiderweb /or/ Eloquent, but generally fucked and all over the place.

I couldn’t tell you what I do in a day, but they seem to go by quickly enough. It’s 11am. Have I been productive? Well, a little. I taught five classes. I don’t know how much longer I’ll have that job, which really fucking sucks because I actually like it. It’s because regulations changed and I can’t really get out of the fact that they now exclude my ability to do this job. How it’s gone on this far, and how much longer it will continue, are both largely unknown to me.

If and when I come to it, I have to find another at-home job. I cannot physically stand another desk job in a corporate office. Been there done that, friends. Even at $30/hour it wasn’t worth the severe emotional stress of my last office job. So I think you might now see the value my mental health has for me. Like fuck capitalism. I have never once met a self-identifying capitalist who wasn’t a shit person. Speaking of. I finally blocked grad school guy. I should have like three years ago. Why do we do that? Why do we expect people to change and become what we want them to be? It’s literally so stupid and not right. Not that it’s cool he was so garbage that he even drove me away. Historically the only ones who were toxic enough to do that were my father, and Ryan, and I guess lets call him portrait guy. And like…let’s be frank, it’s wildly pathetic how much I am willing to tolerate from someone. It’s not like I’m proud of this, or think it’s a good thing, but like…okay YOU fix how your brain was hard-wired from childhood. I’ll wait.

But really, the best thing you can do with a garbage toxic person is to cut them out of your life. This is not to say you need to irrationally remove anyone who has ever hurt or miffed you. That’s a recipe for deep unhappiness I should think. But. On the other hand. People do NOT get to treat you horribly because they’re related to you. READ IT AGAIN. Like. OMFG I cannot understand why this “FAMILY” dynamic means so fucking much to people. “They’re family!” is not a fucking justification for anything, let alone enabling someone or tolerating toxic abuse. It wasn’t easy ghosting my own father. It’s just what I did until he died though. It took six years. I don’t like them, but the simile patient like a crocodile comes to mind.

So, I blocked grad school guy. I should have done so in 2018, literally almost 3 years ago exactly, when he and I hung out the one and only time we would ever do so, after about a month of online flirting, and having known one another through a real-life avenue from years prior. He “thought” he “could blur the lines” of what was and wasn’t allowed in his marriage. SO, he lied to me and led me on, he let me think 100% that he was married to someone who fucked other people and knew he did likewise, as is the case with my husband and myself. He 100% led me to think we were hanging out to hook up. I’m not saying someone can’t back out because they change their mind…but…the reason he changed his mind turned this situation that was SUPPOSED to be fun and exciting into something terrible and embarrassing. Like I felt so hurt and wronged by all of it, perhaps more so than you know a normal would, and what had I done? I don’t know why I ever bothered to stay Twitter mutuals with this guy. ESPECIALLY when I think about how I had to drag a fucking explanation out of him, that he literally just said “I don’t think we should sleep together,” then offered to stay and talk about it, then left. It was. Weird. He should have had the fucking fortitude of character to tell me what happened instead of me having to seek it out because I really couldn’t deal with how upset I was by his actions.

I’m not saying this all isn’t on me for not removing him entirely. I think I thought we’d be friends one day? Like…I don’t know maybe I wanted him to still want me. Well. That was until last May. When things were weird with portrait guy I was talking to grad school guy about it. Since then, things had gotten quasi-flirtatious a few times but nothing wild. Then, this past weekend, he’s uncharacteristically drunk and DM-ing me, including the fucking topper for the evening “Sober me won’t admit it but I’m kinda into you FR” or something other dumbfuckery. The way he talks is the fucking worst.

So to that I was like HEH yeah I think we were always into each other, weren’t we? Like I didn’t think our problems stemmed from a lack of attraction, JUST THE FUCKING LIES MY GUY, JUST THE LIES.

Then, he drops a really specific fantasy at me that reeked of middle school flirtation, he’d never gone so far as to describe a PG13 situation he was pining for with me. It fucking irritated me. So I was like…you know how you called me the coyest person ever?

(Side note: I’m not coy. I’m cautious because I’ve been wildly hurt. Which…I’m willing to say is my fault, but like literally all I ever fucking do is love these people and all they ever do is destroy me then somehow THEY’RE hurt when they get to find out how angry I can be. )

So I was like, sometimes someone isn’t being coy, they just can’t tell if you’re being truly flirty or not.

Then he IMMEDIATELY backtracks. For someone who was juuuuust loving the idea of telling me about how he “wanted to watch a movie late a night with his hand on my thigh then make out in the car later” or something along these utterly juvenile lines he was like OMG wow no this is because I’m bored and 50+ miles away from my wife, I’m not trying to actually make things happen, then fucking ADORABLE clincher “Turns out my actions have consequences????!! I’ll try to be more mindful in the future.”

Oh I don’t give a fuck about you or what you do in the future FRIEND.

I’m SO sick of pretending I’m not angry.

That isn’t supposed to piss me off? It made me feel ENTIRELY like an object he picks up and puts down at will for his amusement. NOT INTO IT.

SO, while I’m on the topic of the worthless men I adore. You know what it’s time for.

How long have you been paying online attention to me? Do you know what I mean when I say portrait guy? Where’s the portrait? With his books. It literally sickens me to think I sent him a hand annotated copy of CF1. Jesus I hope he threw it out. I blocked him recently too. Again, WHY THE FUCK hadn’t I done that in May? What did he do? Led me on in a BIG WAY and then IN HIS WORDS ghosted me. Does it please me to no end that the woman he became involved with right then dumped him hard with no explanation not that long after? Of fucking course it does. If you can’t admit that sort of thing you’re probably a fucking liar who’s either in denial or just very self righteous or both. Or you’re a better person than me. I’ve met a few. But, I’ve met WAY more of that first type.

I was hoping portrait guy would apologize. That’s what I was telling myself at first. At it’s zenith, he and I spoke on Facetime for 6 hours. At once. Not total. And then it fell to shit literally that night, but he couldn’t just tell me that. Instead he told me he “wasn’t backing out just yet” but then…proceeded to let me know about his “for real” girlfriend about a month later, basically tossing me aside because my feelings didn’t matter or where never part of the consideration in the first place.

I don’t know what it is that screams “use me” but…it’s got to be something.   

I need to stop making room in my life, however small, for those who dared to treat me like I’m insignificant.

See that’s my problem. Like when you’re super arrogant your feelings still get hurt. I’m also smart enough to like rationally assess these feelings as they come at me. But also. It’s a goddamn privilege to be loved by me, and those unwise enough to squander that are undeserving of my attention in any form. And they don’t make me sad for long. But I will always be angry.

Easy to group them together because I interacted with both on Twitter, though I only met portrait guy online.

I’d warrant I was closer with portrait guy. I guess it makes sense. He’s 8 years older than grad school guy and me, he’s that much more skilled at love and attention bombing. I don’t know how to do that. That I-can-make-others-love-me manipulative talent SO many victims of abuse have…I just…got like the fucking opposite. It’s fucking unfair. I think it’s because Willis was…unique. You fucking hate to call a narcissist that but…he didn’t give me your classic daddy issues, that’s for sure. I kind of wish he’d just abandoned us all. I’m not trying to trivialize the pain of others, but we would have been so, so, so much better off if he had.

BUT, I hear it’s like being rich, only the outside looking in has that shine on it. Like you don’t think anything of the people you’ve tricked or finessed into loving you. Also, I mean, I am hot and smart, I DO know what it’s like when someone you’re not into at all is really into you, and it’s unpleasant to say the least. So. I get it.

But. I mean, with a few rare exceptions, people just like…don’t like me. I’m NOT trying to make anyone argue or feel sorry for me, truly, that was a favorite of Willis’ he would bait you into saying something so it could later be used against you. I am not exaggerating at all. Again, imagine a less intelligent child up against him. Wait you don’t have to that’s my brother.

So, when I meet someone who I actually like, and am attracted to, who likes ME, which is arguably the hottest thing someone can do…do you not see how it’s hard? And takes a long time to get over?

But…I have a story, and Jesus let’s hope its short right. I have paying work I need to do, especially when one considers I will probably need a new job soon.

The Easter, Good Friday to be precise, of 2005 I was accused of being demon possessed because I did not wish to attend my father’s annoying very long, drawn-out Pentecostal church service. I had my own church I attended, where I was an active member of the youth group, and I also attended a religious high school. But no, I was supposed to leap with joy at the idea of spending 3 hours of a rare weekday off from school at a different church, one Willis ONLY joined because skanks from his Art Van job went there. Not even joking. And I’ll call who I like a skank, kindly fuck yourself instead of coming at me with dime terminology like internalized misogyny.

But yeah, no, of course, Willis, your 17-year-old is definitely “being told” by a demon that she doesn’t want to go to your church. YES. That could be the only explanation. THIS was the person who had once told me I counted for as much as “a pimple on his ass” – because once I was upset and didn’t want to tell him why so he took that to be a deep personal insult and insinuation I thought I was better than him…I was 14 and very upset about something trivial that had happened at school….but….let’s make it about him and turn me into the villain….yeah that was my dad all right. I wonder if he was too fucked up in the moment to remember he said that to me. See, trouble is, I remembered. And fast forward three years and we’re at the demon possession accusation.

This accusation was nothing new. It came about whenever it suited Willis’ current assault on whomever. He DID pick on me the least, credit where credit is due…but not really. He still didn’t treat me well. BUT…I was the useless younger female child, the older boy was the one who was to take on every feature and facet of Willis’ identity, I was to shut the fuck up and help with the housework. See what I mean when I talk about how sexism saved me? The less exposed to W, the better, ESPECIALLY during those formative years. What was my fucking mother thinking letting us be raised by him? I will never feel guilt concerning her and if she doesn’t like that…she can turn back time.
And…let me tell you, being the one who was treated the least terribly made my mother in particular very resentful of me. In fact Willis’ need to abuse and manipulate my mother and brother probably influenced his better treatment of me, in that I flew under the radar much more. Truth be told, I got pretty good grades  and didn’t really get into trouble or ask for much. I knew better. I also bailed as soon as I was legally able. So. Measure my happiness at home with that. He wanted my mom to think I cared more for him for as a parent, HIGHLY UNTRUE. He wanted my brother to think HE was the issue with them, that Willis and I were as close as could be. Gross. I fucking hated him.

So. In 2005. I was accused of being told by a demon to not attend Willis’ church. He just *couldn’t* understand it otherwise. That was one of his things. He acted SO baffled, SO boggled by your feelings, it shortly felt ridiculous to be having them at all. See, I knew what gaslighting was WAY before anyone taught me that word. Not to hipster at you or anything.

I told therapist Dave, back when I saw him, about this particular demon possession memory. Dave asked if it made me feel bad, being accused of being demon possessed, that only a really bad kid would be told such a thing.

And like…at 16??? He thought I was mentally a child at 16??? Oh naïve therapist Dave.

I was like…no, it didn’t make me feel bad about myself, it just made me angry, at him, that this was my father, that THIS was how he acted, that I was being handed yet another reason to fucking hate him.

And Dave seemed pleased by that. He was like “Well that’s good.”

And I was like.

YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT DAVE.

Anger. It’s the answer. It’s right there, as repressed as sexuality and incredulity at one’s religious upbringing.

So, I think my advice is, get fucking angry and block people and entirely remove them from your life. Do you stop thinking about them? Yeah I didn’t say that. But. You deserve the peace of knowing they AT LEAST know how you feel about them. Don’t spare them because you’re hoping they’ll change THEY WON’T, don’t keep ties with them because one day they might apologize THEY WON’T.

I knew it. I SO knew it. Getting angry. It’s the key here people.

Not all the time, and not over stupid shit, and never ever forget that everyone you love is going to hurt you, it just depends on what you can forgive if you go on with them.

But. Recognize when there’s something you can’t forgive.

You will feel MUCH better than pretending it’s not there.

Jesus fuck this is long. I should blog it unedited. I actually have grooming related to do items today and it’s wild. A year is long enough, I will no longer have hot pink or fire engine red hair. I’m going a copperier natural red. Here’s wishing it works out. I also need to do my nails and toes because affordable luxury am I right? Tuesday and Wednesday night I’m staying overnight with a friend. Like an actual friend from childhood, we’ll shop and drink and eat at restaurants. Super excited, haven’t seen her in like two years, haven’t done anything fun with someone other than my spouse in two years. God I hope I can’t detect “Omg she looks worse” in her face when I see her. She’s made of like magic genetics and forgets it sometimes.

Anyway. Take care. Don’t forget if you want to know more about portrait guy – there’s old blogs, old tweets on both twitters, and just fucking DM me.

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