But right now the theme of my life is : Bored, Lonely, & Overworked. Yes Karen I know the first two are redundant.
I’m at the dermatologist for the third goddamn time for a horrible skin reaction to a ring my husband gave me for our fourth anniversary. No it wasn’t cheap it’s from the exact same store as my engagement ring. Idk what happened all I know is I’m four $50 copays deep into this situation. My first appointment did not go well waiting wise. I sat in the waiting room for over an hour. Last time I waited ten minutes. But this time, the waiting room is just as packed as that first night. 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I worked 7-4 I’m really not dying to spend my evening in a waiting room. The one mercy is the TV nearest me is on mute though the one on the opposite side isn’t. I hate background noise like most people hate toothaches.
What’s stupid is this is a second check up. This all feels a little unnecessary.
Last Wednesday I went to my husband’s urologist appointment with him for NO reason. I had to skip therapy and leave work an hour early. It took three months and two other appointments to get to THAT one, and not only was it pointless for me to be there, they were so brisk they didn’t even make the follow up the doctor said he wanted. It’s never encouraging when you feel rushed out at a doctors then the waiting room is empty and dark as you walk out. As if it was our fault they booked an appointment at 4 then made us wait almost an hour to see the doctor.
OH GOD THE WOMAN NEXT TO ME KEEPS BLOWING HER NOSE. A cold on top of all of this would be just swell.
So my husband actually got a referral for a fertility specialist that will see both of us from his therapist. He actually got us an appointment for next week. So that’s EVER SO SLOWLY developing. I guess. I just have told you what happened in November, at that funeral, right? I still get so infuriated when I think about it.
I miss how close my best friend and I used to be. Not that we aren’t still friends and all but it’s just not going to be the same when seeing each other three times in one year is a frequent visit year. It’s always made me feel better that she’ll never have kids, she doesn’t want them. I cannot recall a time when she did. In high school for like two years she dated this miserable piece of processed asshole named Josh (real name, bc I hate him) and he had a really distinct timeline in place for their lives. He was two years older, he planned on their marriage occurring as soon as she graduated from high school. Then they would go to college together. This isn’t here-say, he told me this himself when he was on crew of a play I was an extra in. He was also very, very shitty to me on MANY MANY different occasions. Like he definitely did not like me. He made it so fucking clear, yet he was ALWAYS around because he was dating someone I refused to not be friends with because of him. He did what he could to not let that happen, and he had help. See best friend is a twin, and then there was a fourth girl. Someone I will call A because I don’t have an A. I used to be good friends with A. In grade school. We started going to school together in 1st grade. A and Josh both REALLY did not like me and they went so out of their way to exclude me and ditch me and leave me out and completely monopolize best friends time. Josh being older had a car and license so that made this a lot easier. They definitely despised me and didn’t do anything to hide it. Honestly if I saw either of them in person I’d have to resist the urge to spit on their feet.
Plus Josh and A were very very controlling, I remember bestie saying she didn’t like that A was always having her mom buy things for her, because the frequent gifts felt like her conveying her ownership of her. And I was like oh right because what you need from life is another controlling shit bag, what with that mother of theirs. Maybe that’s harsh but I really don’t like that woman. At best I have to look past how awful she is because she has so many problems how can one expect her to function? But also who’s mean to children? Who believes EVERYTHING one child tells them about another? Who invites the DCE of their daughters new school-church over for dinner to ask him in front of them why he thought of their new friend who invited them over for a party? What did he say? He said he thought our mom allowed us too much freedom. I don’t know what that meant then and I still don’t now, unless some really severe lies were circulating about us. We had some freedoms other kids didn’t, we could watch whatever we wanted (limited to R rated FFS but still) we didn’t have any younger siblings to look after, but other than that I still could never know what he meant. We certainly didn’t run wild or have parents who weren’t home. My unemployed drug addict alcoholic father didn’t have much else to do aside from that, and he did all of it at home. But he’d be too fucked it to pick me up from school. My entire childhood I was always so embarrassed to have to ask other kids parents for rides home and there would be a car in the driveway when they dropped me off. That’s dad all right.
So Josh and A and besties mom like all unanimously despised me and it might be the one thing they had in common. Josh was that sort of Christmas that’s in it solely for the judgment and looking down on others for not doing as well as you at being perfect. So he definitely hated besties mom. He would only listen to Christian music and was SO proud of the fact that he didn’t jack off. Sounds like a fun person right.
Luckily I’m a determined ass bitch when I actually want something and no amount of ill treatment, AND LOOK WHO WON, BITCHES. I’m still close with bestie and she despises both of them a lot.
Like don’t we all have mental lists we keep of those we would practice our new superpowers on, if we were to ever come into some? Is that just me. I’m not that original.
Damn it’s so fun to spend my only free time that I could be writing or at least relaxing (I’ll have you know I worked out for twenty minutes yesterday. At home.) but noooooo I gotta he sitting four inches away from an armrest hog stranger. Not the nose blower, she’s on my left.
Guess it’s time to read….😭
Ill wake up during the night and can’t get back to sleep. I get up because thrashing around in my bed next to my snoring husband isn’t helping. Then I have to start doing math where I’m like do I drink more or should I just chill and not sleep because I don’t want to show up at work still soused. I have never done that, not at this job. It happened like once at a previous job but it was sort of on accident. Nothing bad happened. But I’m not the kind of drunk who shows up at work drunk, or drinks at work. My place of employment is in southern Warren, near Detroit, on a sidestreet next to us there’s always tons of airplane shots and half pints, tossed empty from a car window during some poor schlub’s lunch break. I’m not like that. When my husband was landscaping, they would drink on the job during lunch and it pissed me right off. Like yep climb on roofs to do gutters and operate huge lawnmowers while you’re drunk. That’s cool. I knew because he’d be forced to bring the empty cans home with him, couldn’t leave them on the job.
So I’m wide awake at 2am and I work in four hours but I’m not SO worried. See this sort of magic happens when you, in the past, have put yourself through undue amounts of pain and torture and lack of sleep and fucked upedness and hungover at work, you know too can get through some measly I couldn’t sleep well the night before. I’ll get a smidge more before morning, then tomorrow I’ll sleep well Monday night.
I have a rash on my right hand caused by a ring my husband gave me as an anniversary gift. It’s cost me $200 in copays alone. If that isn’t a metaphor for my attempts at being happy in my own unique way idk what is.
I haven’t seen my mom in five years. Luckily we are able to talk every day that she works via her email at work, and we do. I email her every day that she works. That’s my effort. I’m no longer willing to deal with my father. And that’s that.
here’s some pictures of my Christmas decor. I told you.
I told myself I was going to not write at all on Saturday, because I wanted to spend the day cleaning so I could put out Christmas decorations while listening to Christmas music. I know, I probably don’t strike you as the sort to do this kind of thing with joy, but I actually do. Don’t know why. Have an inkling though. I always liked Christmas as a kid, despite the many horrible things that happened on sporadic holidays throughout my childhood. It’s like they kept their worst behavior specially reserved for Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and MOST of all, my mom’s birthday. My own birthday, my brother’s and my Grandma’s as well as his were hit or miss, sometimes ruined sometimes not. So, it’s not that Christmas was always a nice time for me. There was actually a period right before the 25th that my mom was always SO “down in the dumps” as she puts it. Her friend from grade school who had married and moved to Texas and had two boys would send a card, with a letter, and in that letter (I never read them) her friend would pretty much humble-brag about her entire life, or so my mom said, and my mom would LITERALLY mope around the house, talking about how “other people” would have things “perfect…perfect house…perfect tree….not me….”
EVERY YEAR, about a week or so before Christmas.
I don’t know why I started telling that story, but Dave would say it’s probably important if I’m talking about it.
So, it’s not like holidays were perfect around my house. But I’ve always liked the sights and scents and sounds of Christmas. You know the exact shit Jack gets really stoked on in Nightmare Before Christmas, which as much as I love that movie and have seen it a million times, I never saw it as a child. My dad would drop in every once in awhile to remind me who was in power and would place some POINTLESS arbitrary rule on me about something, like Troll dolls for instance, weren’t allowed, they were “evil” because you wished on them? IDK whatever. Also had to have Halloween all out canceled on my a few years, again “evil.” NBC was also something he had a big say on, for some reason. I feel like it probably equated to either Rush Limbaugh or Benny Hinn mentioning these “evils” of the modern age. I wish I was joking when I say men like that had a direct impact on my life (through my POS dad) but its the unfortunate truth.
Anyway. So we weren’t the sort to have non-tumultuous holidays and we also weren’t the “go to a tree lot and pick out a tree” type. I’ve never had a real tree. I know people squee over the smell, but there’s also the non fire hazard scented oil plug in (or essential oil, you hippies) option, and the mess and maintenance of a real tree seems dumb. Plus what if you accidentally bring a bird inside with it? I like having a pre-lit fake tree. When I was a kid we had that old school color-coded kind. My mom and I put decorations out alone together. When I was really young obviously she did it alone on one of her weekdays off, she got two a month because she had to work one weekend a month. For years when we were younger we went to stay at our Grandma’s for that weekend because my dad couldn’t handle having to care for us during the day as well as the evening. He had…you know, drinking and drugs and sleeping for huge portions of the day after doing nothing but watch TV and drink in the bathroom and tell your young kids to use the SUPER scary basement half bathroom at night because you were busy mixing nyquil and vodka to get to sleep to not deal with the awful reality your entire family lived in, which was solely YOUR creation.
But I’m clearly digressing further.
When I got older, I would put up the tree and decorate it by myself. My mom claimed I was better at it than her. It’s like with hard boiling eggs, I would always side eye her and be like…is she just saying that so she doesn’t have to do it? But no shade to my mom, really. She had a REALLY bad draw at the lot in life. I mean, she did a good job raising us, she did her best, I DO get that, and she’s a very nice person, everyone says so. And it’s true. But they also didn’t know her deeply depressive, upset, withdrawn on every level, self that I deal with a GREAT deal of my childhood. The first time I told my husband about how much of my childhood was spent trying to cheer up my mom, he thought it was incredibly sad, and I was like…yeah that IS sad, isn’t it?
See, you don’t get things are SO fucked up when you’re young, and you grow up in it. Why would a kid question circumstances of their surroundings that had always been? Like being terrified of your father. Then, as you grow, that terror turns to disgust, which isn’t a very far cry from hatred. OH. That’s another thing, I wasn’t EVER allowed to use the word hate, and why? Oh because that was SOMEHOW satanic. Dear god there were so many weird rules like that. He liked inventing them on the spot in front of other people, like whenever on the RARE occasion I’d have a friend over. Dude definitely used embarrassment as a means of control for all of us. He didn’t like “outsiders” (YES he called them that) being over. See, he had to behave in front of other people. Even my Grandma, to an extent, because she held true power actually ($$) though he was awful to her as much as he dared, which was A LOT.
Sorry. Lots of digressions today.
So, yesterday, even though my husband was using the entirety of his day off to work at his at-home job, I was all, “You know, I always had to put the tree up by myself, even though its a whole-family affair for most families, I should at least be able to listen to Christmas music.”
My husband seemed to feel bad at that, and just listened to his blue tooth so I could watch a two hour You Tube channel of Christmas music and scenes. It was nice. It made me buy a few Christmas songs. Because I am still definitely one of those people who buys songs one by one off of iTunes when I want one. Which isn’t a lot. That’s why I do it this way. Then I put all of my Christmas songs, old and new, into a playlist, and it’s kind of long. I’m like…huh…I guess I like this stuff. Same thing happened with birds. I had owl checks, then penguin ones, and cardinal address labels, I have like 12 different owl Christmas ornaments, then a lot of animals in general. HA, I just capitalized General at first because it’s how one of my characters is referred to. Ahhh fun. Anyway.
So I guilted my way into getting a true Christmas theme going yesterday. Then I got kind of drunk, yes shocking I know, and we went to IHOP because I had a gift card, then we hit Starbucks on the way home because hot chocolate, then I pretty much passed out right when we got back. It’s my weighted blankets fault. And the bottle of Winking Owl $2.95 sangria and the 5 beers. Yep. I woke up a few times not feeling great. I didn’t vomit, SO glad it wasn’t that bad, but I definitely was like “Was this the breakfast or the sangria?” And I’m not sure which would sadden me more. That IHOP was excellent.
So I spent all of Saturday attending to Christmas decorations, and didn’t write at all, so it was only just today that I passed the 40% mark on this edit. It MAY be my second to last edit, y’all. I MIGHT still be on schedule for a January 2020 release. So that’s cool.
I think I’m going to employ my sister in law to draw my map and cover for me, because my husband seems incapable of doing it, like he has also never read through the entire book. It just doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, especially now that he has an at home job that takes up most of the time he has to spare from his other low paying job he keeps so we have good insurance and the commitment his MMA gym demands of their students. He has to learn 20 different ways to jump rope. I’m not joking at all. So. He seems less offended at the idea of his sister doing it than anyone else doing it. So I think I’m going to ask her what she would charge. I know she would do a really really good job so it would be worth a few hundred dollars to me, honestly. Plus, if my book actually did well, who knows, she might get other work out of it? She has a BA from U of M but doesn’t do much with it, not that I’m one to talk with my MA in English that I do nothing with. I could have totally secured my current job with my BA and work experience at that age. I just didn’t realize that sort of thing was an option so I didn’t look hard, lived a horrible retail full time job for a year then was like oh I know grad school. Where I met Ryan. And N. Yeah. I know. I know. I never seem to learn my lesson in any regard.
So that’s where CF1 is. Still enjoying not having social media on my phone. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s bad for my mental health. Plus, I do have a lot more time. I just don’t want to delete my Twitter because I feel I should have some sort of platform for my writer announcements, right? There’s two people who know me from real life on there. For very different reasons, both remind me of English class.
Well I should get going. My husband will be home soon. Today I hope to at least inch my way towards the 50% mark. Then there’s the laundry I neglected to do yesterday. And the usual Sunday things. And work at 6am tomorrow. Ugh. You know what’s depressing? Going into work when it’s still the dead of friggin night outside. Like full blown moon and stars still. I guess it’s cool seeing when the moon looks cool, but STILL.
I haven’t been to pole in over two months because 1) the owner is always an unfriendly bitch towards me, love the instructors as I do 2) It’s nice not spending the money, if we both went it was $44. But I also haven’t taken advantage of the ways I can exercise at home…inside. I have more options than you’d think. But I use CF1 as an excuse. If I’m going to work on it during a weeknight I need to do that between getting home and eating dinner. For a variety of reasons, mostly because we start dinner so late that by the time it’s done it’s time for bed if I want 8 hours. I do. Also that I will get tired after dinner, and frankly I stare at a computer all day at work so after awhile it does get tiring. That’s one of the many reasons I love Read Aloud, also that your ears can’t be tricked like your eyes can. Rather your eyes have learned to adapt to typos and spelling errors and things of that nature so you auto-correct in your mind when an “is” is an “in” in your text because you KNOW what you meant. It happens, it’s cool. But anyway.
When you realize you’ve gone from a happy drunk to only happy when drunk but you can’t pinpoint the feeling’s origins