Well this is long overdue

See the issue is, I HAVE been writing blogs. But I keep getting really personal and obsessive and…all right just say it, hateful, like I’m good at being. So I’m like…right, no one needs to see this. So. Here goes a blog I’m not like “Yikes” about.

MY BOOK IS AT THE PUBLISHER. Let’s just lead with the best part. I took out a loan between Christmas and New Years, and now it’s all gone, I spend $3200 on Bookbaby alone. I get proofs sometime between February 18 and 26. I paid those fools $550 to design a DELUXE cover, whatever that means. I’m excited to see how that looks, it best not be cheap looking. Formatting is so expensive too. And my book is so damn long that it costs a lot to print. I mean that only makes sense..no? So soon I will have my precious proofs! Then not long after that, it’ll all be live online! EEE! March 14th is the first Amazon day. They force you to have a 90 day presale. Right. People are dying to pre-buy a book from an unknown author, and their first self-published book at that. I really want an audio book version, but like…I don’t feel up to the task, and I don’t think I could afford a good voice actor….idk. Anyway. That’s moving forward.

There is ONE MORE TEST I need before they can tell me my fertility is 100% where it needs to be. There are so many freakin’ tests. I’m going tomorrow. After my OB GYN calls me with those results, as long as they’re good she’ll prescribe Clomid, which makes you ovulate a bunch of eggs. Then you try Clomid for 6 months or so, and if you’re not pregnant from that period then they try something else. So that’s where that’s at. We are using THE SHIT out of our health insurance. We’ve had, between the two of us, about three dozen appointments since the 1st of the year. You’d think we were severely ailing, as my Grandma would say. Like on Saturday I went to the eye doctor, I got an exam, a shot of the back of my eye (I have an irregular right optic nerve and I get hella worried it’ll get worse, though it’s probably congenital and has never changed), a contact fitting (along with 12 pairs of one-day contacts and 1 pair of non RX colored contacts. I used to wear violet contacts, when I refused to wear glasses because I was a young, vain thing. Now i need the comfort and cheapness and convenience of glasses. Plus IDK they make you look smarter), and a new pair of glasses because my old ones are too strong for $94. We pay for the best eye insurance. It’s our only “gold level” insurance. Health and dental are both “silver” which isn’t bad, of course, but isn’t dope ass gold. So it was nice, I’m getting super cute red cat eye glasses, they’re actually Coach. And let me tell you, I surely don’t care about that, but maybe that means they’ll last a long time? I’ve been shocked that some designer things are actually BETTER than the cheaper versions. You know what I mean. Like every Christmas I get a new designer purse that my husband picks up at the outlet mall in Birch Run. And it will literally last until the next Christmas. A cheap ass purse from Target or Meijer or Walmart would NOT last like that. They literally just fall apart, on several levels, not to mention they looks shoddy and make you seem a bit of a mess until you replace them. There are certainly some “designer” things that needn’t exist (like socks and underwear, IMO) but yeah, perfume and purses aren’t on that list.
So I’m excited about my Coach glasses (I’ve always wanted red glasses, I already have blue and black and brown, green and purple and RX sunglasses are also on the want list) but keep in mind I have never nor will I ever own a Coach purse. If I got one I would give it to my mom, as having such an item would mean a GREAT deal to her, and IDGAF. Never in my life have I spent more than $50 on a purse, and even that is really pushing it. I don’t see the point. They’re so functional, and go so many places, why spend shit tons on something that will inevitably be befallen with misfortune? But whatever different people like different shit, i get it. I’m snooty as hell about certain things.
Then, I got the wild idea to do our taxes. Now my husband and I have gotten fucked over real good on taxes, before. Like when he had a landscaping job that deducted NO federal taxes….that sucked. And this year he had untaxed income from a freelance job to report AND nearly $1000 in tips from work that he had to report. BUT the good news….in Michigan if you rent, you get about a month’s rent back ($868 vs a $920 rent), and of course student loan interest ($4200 last year) is a write off….for a decade…then those cocks take it away. AND of course, HALF of my husband’s income went towards health insurance. Literally. Hence our obsessively using the insurance whilst we have it. And then, I realized as I was doing the taxes…I needed to claim writing expenses. I paid for Microsoft Word and an editor and a publisher in 2019. My husband bought a used laptop to do his freelance job. These are write offs. Sadly, I have to wait until next year to claim the actual cost of publishing, as I did that at the end of last month. But still. And I’ve made NO money off of my book…yet…so it’s not like I had taxes to pay on that. I’m soon to be one of those people waiting for tiny royalties to trickle in.

Speaking of that. I have a young coworker, someone you want to define as a “good kid”, she’s like early twenties, just a genuinely nice person. Her mom wrote a romance. Your standard historical erotica romance novel. It’s on Amazon so I bought it, when it’s price went down. I told coworker, who was like “Oh she’ll be so excited, when she published none of her friends read it and she got really sad about it.”

I was like OMG THAT IS SO SAD. I will be sure to leave her a good review when I’m done. I will genuinely read it. I can’t at work though, it has your standard dude with submissive woman in his arms situation on the cover. Surprisingly, the model in the picture is really flat-chested. You’d think they’d find someone with big tits for that specific, corseted shot, but whatever.

I like leaving good reviews. I did two on Saturday. One for a friend trying to build an online petsitting business. Someone I know who had at least one child as a result of Clomid…so…that’s encouraging I guess.

So that’s pretty much all that’s going on with me. Book nearly published. Still attempting to have a kid.

Oh yeah, add to the list, DESPERATELY want to get out of my rental house and this area and my current job. Even though it’s been over two weeks since I submitted to the publisher and therefore didn’t have a book to work on (SO WEIRD…I mean there’s the next book in the series and of course I have tons of out of orders scenes of that one already written, but the urgency/need to work at it every day isn’t there, of course), I really haven’t had the time to look for other jobs, let alone apply. It’s a tiring, terrible process, and trying to do so after work is the worst. Especially this last week I was on my period, which for me, sans birth control, is a 7 day extravaganza with EXTREME fatigue as the hallmark symptom. So bad week for job searching overall. And this weekend I had to catch up on cleaning that been long neglected. Last weekend, my first one of freedom, was kind of tied up because we went to Castaway Bay for the night on Saturday. It was fun. We got super pissed at each other because we didn’t know what TF to do when trying to find the restaurant I’d booked our fancy celebration dinner at. The trip was to celebrate Felix’s long life with us and the completion of my first book. But other than that, the night was good. It was alarming because the restaurant is literally inside Cedar Point, like you have to go past the gates, which look barricaded off and has all these ominous signs about being under surveillance, and then you’re RIGHT on the water, like veer off to the left even a little and your vehicle is in the fucking black, frigid water of Lake Erie in the winter. And we weren’t plastered but we’d been drinking, so a cop inquiring what we were up to was unideal. But Waze insisted on us continuing. We called the restaurant and they further explained. Their website could be clearer on this situation. If you know the Sandusky amusement park, this restaurant is across the entrance driveway from the Gemini. I remember that old thing from when I went to C.P. I only ever went with my church. Once ever June a bus of kids from the youth group went down for the day. We also did a few bus trips to Shipshewana and back, over the years. I guess we were pretty adept at poor people fun. More on that.

So Castaway Bay was fun, but also expensive and a lot of driving, and then it’s KIND of a bummer to be at a place so clearly intended for children and families. But we like indoor water parks. And I think it was clear we were there for good times and not being pervy. There were enough solo adult males to make me wonder about others, though.

So I did our taxes. And the amount we got back did what happens to poor people’s brains when they get money. It’s the cause of the phenomenon when someone who doesn’t have money gets some and BLOWS it with shocking quickness. See Buscemi’s Tony in The Sopranos when he finds a huge bag of drugs and money after someone tosses it from a car window in an attempt to evade the police. He leaves the drugs, but the 10s of thousands of dollars is gone in like…a week, before ridiculous suits and extreme gambling. Dude just got out of prison and wants to live.
See, poor people spend so much time and energy and thought (at least…some do) into thinking about things they’d want or do if they had the resources, that it’s quite easy to burn through a wealth of cash in a matter of weeks rather than years.
I’ve already “spent” half of the tax return I technically don’t have yet. I guess I am gambling, and I typically don’t like gambling. Oh well.

I spent it on $163 of jewelry I impulse bought while drunk last night after doing the taxes.
I spent it on $425 to the Bavarian Inn for two nights in their Honeymoon Suite for the night before and night of my 32nd birthday. This is my tenth birthday with my husband.
I spent $160 on Amazon on three books (Salome, The Bell Jar, Where the Crawdads Sing), two articles of clothing (Sleeveless black dress and black pencil skirt), one pair of boots (low heel, light gray, calf length), one fun piece of lingerie for my bday weekend, and five board games (we only own one, time-consuming Monopoly, so I bought Battleship, Clue, Candyland, Yahtzee and Sorry! We like playing board games and watching Youtube music video compilations. It’s fun. And sometimes you need a break from the same three streaming services. Lol listen to me complain. Child me, who was restricted to my father’s selection of historical, war-related VHSs and little else beyond the Disney movies of my earliest youth would be appalled. I’ve seen Dances with Wolves WAY too many times.)

So. Yeah. That’s how easy it is. The clothing and boots are for work. I wouldn’t buy dress (by my standard) clothing for no reason. I didn’t the years I worked retail. I think that’s why I already wear a dress or a skirt to work. I enjoy it. I like having a reason to own heels. It’s nice to remember that you can wear what you want, and feel how you want about yourself in certain articles, and you’re not pushing femininity any further down that downward spiral its so on. Like strippers, who take advantage of that spiral but also perpetuate it. The games are for fun. I am running kind of low on books to read..so….

It’ll be nice to do something fun and different for my birthday. And Bavarian Inn has some waterpark ish attractions, like huge slides, and then they have 5 pools and 1 is adults only, and like 3 hot tubs, and 1 is again adults only. And oh yeah, it’s the Honeymoon Suite so there’s a king bed with a balcony with a cheesy German style balcony overlooking the river and there’s a huge whirlpool bathtub with a mirror above it RIGHT next to the bed. I’ve never stayed in such a hotel room, but I know they exist. That’s one thing we like doing, staying in super fancy hotels, even if they’re nearby and only for one night. So that’ll be dope. And then we have the lakeview cabin booked for the weekend right after Labor day weekend. Our actual anniversary weekend was all booked up, somehow, already, so we were like well fuck it, it’s way more likely to be warmer and summer like at the beginning of September anyway. We might actually get to use the lake. Last time we just had to entertain ourselves with the many hiking trails, which we did, because we both love that shit, except I got upset with him when we got lost, and one time when he was being rude about me “wasting” weed. But hopefully come September we’re living somewhere else and I have a different job. And I’ll be that dick who takes time off right after they start. Oh well.
So I have two vacations planned for the year. Maybe I’ll sneak in a Chicago weekend again. That is fun, in the summer. Fuck that city in the winter. Michigan is bad enough. Then in March I’m getting my permanent eyeliner touched up I mean it’s an organic pigment tattoo, it’s going to fade. And I barely get any sun. I guess I rub my eyes a lot. But i took a four day weekend for that this time. Your eyes are SO swollen and gooey for a few days after. It’s bad. You look like you’ve been crying nonstop for days. But your perfect eyeliner though. It’s worth it, but boy does it suck.

Anyway, I need to finish my Valentine’s Day crafts, because you know I make those. And then I need to apply for jobs for a bit.

I’ve lost 20 pounds so far. I have 30 more to go. I want to weight what I weighed when I got married 6 years ago. Isn’t that insane to hear me say? I rarely admit such things. Yet it always burns at the back of my mind that if he were around my father would DEFINITELY comment on my weight gain, probably every time I say him. That’s how he is. My god he never let it drop with my poor mother. Anyway. I haven’t been to see Dave alone in a week, and I’m not seeing him this week because I have a regular doctor appointment instead, because my headaches seem to be worse. I’ve never vomited from a migraine before, just had nausea. I left work at noon the next day because I was worried it would happen again. Fricking stupid. So I have TWO doctors appointments next week, and yesterday I just maxed out the ol’ vision insurance. Oh yeah, now that I have my husband’s common ass last name, there’s someone else registered at my optometrist with the same name as me AND the same birthday. I’m not shocked, a lot of people are born in April, and his last name is the Smith of Germany.
Anyway.
Sunday afternoon. Bleh. Next weekend is pretty far off. This is a week of waiting. At least there’s Valentine’s Day. We’re not doing gifts, we’re getting dumplings. It’s a big deal, we typically only get them on Valentine’s Day.
Hope all is well.
~Cassandra

Everyone gets lonely and does stupid things

And no, sorry, it’s not always scandalous, even where I’m concerned. But right now I’m writing a blog, which for me is my third closest attempt I can come to having a real conversation with someone (the 1st is an actual conversation with my husband, the 2nd is whatever the fuck you call what you have with a therapist, dialogue?). And my husband works 4:30-1, then goes to his gym until 3, then has…errands…for after that. So I’ll see him around 5 tonight. In the meantime I have a frightening amount of menial housework to complete for someone whose spending SO much time working on getting a book ready for SELF PUBLISHING DAY.
It was nice, this past Friday when I was mentally preparing for euthanizing a beloved pet (see intentionally make myself sad blog I posted yesterday in the early morning) it was also the day I got my map in the mail. So it was nice seeing such a wonderful drawing in person for the first time the same day of some HORRIBLE firsts. I’m buying it a frame ASAP. It’s funny my artist lives in the same state as me, about 70 miles away.

Now that I have the map…it’s all on me. The reality of the situation is I want to submit my manuscript for Copyright and publishing by January 31st. So like I’m DONE with my first book (at least the writing process) by then. So I have UNTIL then to be done with it… SO. I’m almost like 85% done with my long edit that involves note taking for the sake of having detailed notes with shit like foreshadowing and secrets I’m hinting at written down. I’m the sort who would like something like that. Then I’ll transcribe it into a Word document so I can CTRL+F my way into things I can’t quite remember where but know I’ve hinted at. IDK how other people do it.

So I want to finish this long edit then do one long hard power edit. Yeah I now see how that sounds, but I’m leaving it. And you want to know the real reason I’m SO intent on January 31st? Because I drunk impulse bought a night at an indoor water park resort about 2 hours south of us. I also booked a dinner at a fancy restaurant on the water about two miles away from the resort. We’ll have about 4 hours to spend in the water park (who needs more?) dinner at 8pm on Saturday, stay the night Saturday, could POTENTIALLY use water park again on Sunday, would have 2 hours before check out. Home by 2-3pm depending on if we stop on the way home for food. All of this is for the day after I want to be done, I’m giving to “my husband” as a like WOO HOO finally finished lets have a good time mid February like no one does ever, but before Valentine’s Day crowds and prices. I put it in quotes because he might not like this idea. Maybe i bought this more for me. IDK. It’s one night, he can tough it out if he DOES hate it. Plus the dinner is taking up a huge portion of the evening so it’s not just water park. This is pretty funny discussion for me to be having with myself, at 31. Let me tell you. Anyway. I think to surprise my husband with this. I’ve cryptically told him to get Feb. 2 off, but nothing more. He knows I’m prone to fun surprises, so asks nothing, as he enjoys them almost as much as I do devising them. It’s right in the word, you get to feel devious. Which I seem to SO enjoy. Plus I truly enjoy feeling like the Gift Giving Master when someone LOVES what you give them. Which is why I’m a little impatient for the next time I see my best friend. For other reasons too, but in most part because I got BOTH of her Christmas gifts in the mail the day after I saw her, and it’s TBD when that will happen next, possibly in April around her mother’s birthday like usual, but maybe not if it doesn’t coordinate with her work schedule. Which is by nature all over the place in every way. I feel like I mention that a lot. It’s not meant as a complaint. We all have adult lives.

But then I’m still so like…”lonely” as I put it, that I take a huge amount of prime writing time, Sunday morning before I’ve started the other things I MUST attend to, per living regular human life. Though I’ve got to say, it’s pretty apparent already which cat was responsible for about 90% of the mess in our house…poor guy. He would never have meant to upset anyway, he couldn’t help it. Sometimes you can break a cat of a bad habit by interferring with it. Like we constantly have our couch cushions wrapped in a vinyl tablecloth, a seasonally appropriate one, because then my oldest cat won’t pee on the couch. And he is straight up 100% not allowed in our bedroom, ever. That solves that issue. But they’re not like dogs. You can’t teach them to do something else in place of a bad behavior. At least mine aren’t conditioned like that. IDK maybe they’re slower, they’re all a specific breed, it’s possible there was inbreeding happening, it’s often the case with people who don’t know what they’re doing. Or perhaps I just spoil them and let them do as they please because I think it’s cute because they’re cats. IDK. Anyway. I really need to get to writing. I have until like 5 before my husband is home, but there’s a LITERAL mountain of laundry to be done, and a frightening amount of recycling and trash to haul because last Monday my husband was so distracted by leaving the house on time for his appointment (with a therapist) that he pulled the recycling bin from the curb BEFORE it had been emptied. It missed pick up. I was decidedly confused, and he didn’t really have an answer. I’m not surprised, having had over a decade to acquaint myself with his OCD and ADHD. So, there’s a weird amount of stuff to stuff into a container and take to the curb, and it’s like 10 degrees out. And I have about five minor “should take care of this” yard tasks before the weather takes an even greater toll on my Christmas lights. They’re unplugged, they’re just still out there.

Yeah I have matters like this occupying my attention to this extent and I’m also trying to publish a book.

It was really cute, last night when I was falling asleep for a slight before bed nap (I know..I was reading in bed, something I would only ever do on a weekend, and napped for a bit, then was awake for about an hour, then went to bed with my husband around midnight then got up at 8) I heard my husband on the phone with a friend and he was like “Cassie is publishing her book soon, so soon, so we’ll be millionaires soon.”
Okay let me first say that I do NOT think that. I’m not saying I’m trying to piss on my own work but like I KNOW how the self publishing game works, and how royalties trickle in…I’ve seen it all, but still, I’m trying. Like I want to be able to say I tried as hard as I could with this. I mean if everyone hates it and it fails miserably and I’m just horribly criticized as a person for the rest of my life…IDK it’s not like I did anything terrible on purpose, y’all. Then my husband is over here telling his friends about the millions of copies we’re going to sell. It’s cute, and I DO appreciate it, I guess….lol. No I do. Anyway.

I need to get to it in multiple ways. If you’re in a state like mine, stay unfrozen, my friend.

I’ll let y’all know how the surprise is received.

~Cassie

I’m basically trying to hypnotize myself

I bought a new shredded memory foam pillow, a dope multi sound white noise machine, and a weighted blanket recently. And MIL gifted new sheets. It’s pretty damn hard to get out of bed now.

I’m so close to publishing my book it’s a little insane. Eeeeee. Below are my top five author pictures, we took 60, he refined like 10 I think. This photographer was great. Oscar was not very behaved, so I got like one good picture of him and that’s it. Naughty boy.

GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT

TOMORROW I’m going to get my author pictures taken. Eeeeeeeeee!

I took out a $3000 loan to publish my book. And all that money is already allocated. Most is going to the publisher of course, and I’m having them design a cover for me because I AM OVER hoping my husband will get around to it.

So I made my photo appointment and the only days that worked were tomorrow or the fourth and that’s my husband’s birthday so it’s sooner than I imagined! I also posted an ad on Craig’s List for a map. Im paying $550 for a cover and $100 for a hand drawn map. The photo shoot is $100. Then I have to buy the copyrights and the ISBNs. AND THATS IT. Isn’t it disturbing that something I’ve been putting thought into for a decade and working full time on for two years is actually nearing completion.

So where does this leave me and my deep obsession with editing? Well my ad says I need the map by the 16th of next month. If all goes well that will be the last thing I add into the manuscript I’m sending to the publisher, I’m letting them format it. A poorly formatted book is ruinous. Fuck it. So I get probably one more edit after my current. I passed the 60% make yesterday, so I should be able to get though it then go through one more time by the time my map artist is done. Then ITS HAPPENING FOR REAL.

Eeeeeee! I don’t remember the last time I was this excited. Not my wedding because my wedding wasn’t mine, I was just the bride. But I didn’t pay a cent for my wedding either so was I supposed to complain? I did not, I took the $20,000 gift and looked fabulous. Note that’s what they spent on us not what they gave us.

So in a month CF1 should be published. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT

TOMORROW I’m going to get my author pictures taken. Eeeeeeeeee!

I took out a $3000 loan to publish my book. And all that money is already allocated. Most is going to the publisher of course, and I’m having them design a cover for me because I AM OVER hoping my husband will get around to it.

So I made my photo appointment and the only days that worked were tomorrow or the fourth and that’s my husband’s birthday so it’s sooner than I imagined! I also posted an ad on Craig’s List for a map. Im paying $550 for a cover and $100 for a hand drawn map. The photo shoot is $100. Then I have to buy the copyrights and the ISBNs. AND THATS IT. Isn’t it disturbing that something I’ve been putting thought into for a decade and working full time on for two years is actually nearing completion.

So where does this leave me and my deep obsession with editing? Well my ad says I need the map by the 16th of next month. If all goes well that will be the last thing I add into the manuscript I’m sending to the publisher, I’m letting them format it. A poorly formatted book is ruinous. Fuck it. So I get probably one more edit after my current. I passed the 60% make yesterday, so I should be able to get though it then go through one more time by the time my map artist is done. Then ITS HAPPENING FOR REAL.

Eeeeeee! I don’t remember the last time I was this excited. Not my wedding because my wedding wasn’t mine, I was just the bride. But I didn’t pay a cent for my wedding either so was I supposed to complain? I did not, I took the $20,000 gift and looked fabulous. Note that’s what they spent on us not what they gave us.

So in a month CF1 should be published. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!