So in addition to the ways I already observe the holiday (I’ve had a decorated Christmas tree as part of my living room every Christmas since I was 19. Even when I usually did not spend Christmas at my own place) I wanted to start a few new traditions. Because, as far as my feelings are concerned, this is our first Christmas as a family. So I thought it would be nice to start trying to do fun things on a yearly basis for Christmas. Maybe make them things not related to religion, gift-giving or spending money. Well. You know how that goes.

What did I come up with? Making three surprising baked goods and giving them as part of the overall gift to both of his parents and my mom. Finally trimming down the lavender harvest and making sachets to give as gifts. Yeah that violates a rule, but we’re allowing it. And sending Christmas cards. I didn’t have it in my to write one of those now seemingly old school “What happens to the Bakers this year!” letters so I picked eight of the best cell phone pictures I had of the baby and turned them into a one-sided card on Walgreens.com. Beyond driving both to Walgreen’s and the post office, the cost was $40.55. 20 cards came out to $27.35 and the postage was $13.20 though I do have two leftover stamps because I only mailed 18. Wanted to keep one and can’t think of a 19th person.

Why am I being so exact? Because I want it to be known that there is an exact cost you can place on happiness. Not that doing these things brought me a deep-seated sense of fulfillment (although I do enjoy doing this sort of thing). But we all know a sense of holiday joy largely costs money.

The lavender sachets were the cheapest idea. Also if I had to look at that crate of dried-out lavender on my back porch for much longer I would have thrown it in the alley. The muslin bags were $4.48. The lavender cost nothing, we bought the plant years ago. My husband moved it from our last yard for me. I didn’t even water it last summer because I had a newborn baby to take care of, the flowers could fuck off.

The Christmas cards (which included the eight pictures I mentioned, three that were my personal favorites of her so far, two Christmas-themed, one alone with each parent, one of the whole family, etc.) should start arriving at homes tomorrow. Neither Grandma knows it’s coming so I’m excited. I think I tried to send out Christmas cards once but never did. I still have the box of cards, I keep it with my Christmas decorations. The Christmas cards this year cost $40.55 in total.

So I’m up to $45.03 for my yearly cheer.

Then there’s the freaking baked goods. And what’s the worst part is not knowing if they’re actually going to turn out. I have yet to make them. I’m assigning one to each day of the week starting tomorrow.

Making baked goods is way too expensive. I mean, everything is too expensive, but groceries are wild. I had some things in stock (like cocoa powder, powdered sugar, brown sugar, butter, vanilla, cream cheese, etc.) but I had to buy $64.28 worth of supplies to make three different desserts: cake batter puppy chow, sugar cookie truffles, and chocolate thumbprint cookies. I’ve never made any of these things. For some reason my mom never made puppy chow (she made plenty of other baked goods) so I’ve never made it. I think I’ve only eaten it twice. But I had to buy almond extract that I will never use unless I make this again next Christmas, and $9 worth of baking chocolate so this puppy chow better be good. I love truffles but have never once thought to try and make them myself. So we’ll see. I’ve never even had a thumbprint cookie because I’m not a fruit dessert person (usually) but these chocolate ones with chocolate ganache look incredible. Plus these three things are a little more interesting than just cookies. Last year I was 4 months pregnant and phoned it and made cookies and brownies from mixes. I also had to make dinner for six people, which isn’t happening this year. I don’t think I could handle hosting and the baby right now. She’s a good baby but how can I spend all day cooking and ignoring her while she screams in her pack ‘n play?

So, the grand total for holiday magic for my family this year is $109.31.

I’m not complaining, I’m trying to point out that to do a great deal of “fun” things these days one must spend money. For some, an extra $100 around the holidays is a big if not impossible ask. For probably more than you know or realize. So you stop doing the fun things that make the holidays special for you. Soon you can’t remember the last time you spent extra money on something enjoyable. Or, more likely, you realize your “good times” budget is destroying any chance you have at getting ahead, but then you feel like you deserve it because life is hard on us all. And you can just stay stuck in this cycle forever, if you want, and never have to fix it or yourself. I’ve seen it firsthand. But, for the time being, I want Christmas to be fun. I had a baby at long last, I want to send out pictures of her to our relatives and family friends.

I’d say it was worth it. Well. If the $65 I spent on baking supplies isn’t wasted, then it’ll be worth it. We’ll see.